Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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