I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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