I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
