I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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