i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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