i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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