Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
