Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
