My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
