We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
