Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
