I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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