To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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