I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
