There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize