you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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