I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
