Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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