Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize