My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
