So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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