I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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