Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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