Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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