I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your dad touched me again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
