Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize