I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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