Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
