we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
