everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
