We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
