What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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