He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
