bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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