He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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