They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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