woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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