i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
