dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
