my phone needs a breathalizer
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
