i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
