im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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