who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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