if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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