I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
