Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
