Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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