My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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