my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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