What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
