i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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