so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
