So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize