he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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