did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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