If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize