I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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