onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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