mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
