I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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