sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
