his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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