No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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