apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
